Ambiguous Loneliness: A Solve

female friendships, acts of service, feeling like an alien

guys, something strange happened where I feel blocked from posting on @LisaHayim Instagram...  What was intended as a causal to be a 2 day break turned into a month + and for some reason, i’m creatively and emotionally blocked when I tap on that account.

For a long time, I’ve had this feeling to use this space as a replacement. To write and share from that more vulnerable place that I used to do so easily on instagram, and today, I’m trying that on for size…  taking you deeper into my world, and maybe (hopefully) resonating and providing a solve you’re your own human experience. thanks for being here <3.

This week, my therapist coined what I’ve lonnnng been experiencing- but lacked the word for: ambiguous loneliness.

The second she said it, my stomach released and my eyes swelled. I felt seen, and a less lonely to be understood so profoundly.

You see, since becoming a mother, I’m rarely ACTUALLY alone. aaaand historically, I actually LOVE BEING ALONE. On top of that, this year alone, Ive probably been the least “alone” I’ve ever been!! Between the small talk exchanges at my daughters school drop offs and pick ups, obligatory social events, fund raisers, etc,  this is probably the most not alone Ive been in the last 5 + years. The irony of this feeling of loneliness and yet the lack of actually ever being alone is not lost on me.

But, my therapist says that ambiguous loneliness is not about being alone or not- but rather it’s a sense of deep loneliness, despite (often!!) being surrounded by people, or even one person.

Making REAL meaningful friendships has always been my jam and came easy.  I’m not a for every person (bit of a unique breed), but put me in a room with 20 or 100 people, and Ill find a best friend for life. (looking at you director of operations Amaya who I found in a pool of probably 500 jurors during jury duty).But this past year, Ive really struggled to find my tribe and it has had a big effect on my mental health.

Last night, something inside me switched and that feeling of ambiguous loneliness dissipated and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like an alien. As I reflect on it from an open heart, I want to document! and share the ingredients of this potent remedy that has healed a part of me i didn’t know was broken.

We hosted our annual summer solstice event last night at a local kids wellness center called Oh My Goodness. They put on a beautiful event with like minded-vendors, and I teach the yoga to celebrate summer (the best season, ever, in my unchanged-able opinion).

I PROMISE I’m not being self deprecating when I say I taught the WORLDS WORST YOGA CLASS IN HISTORY. For the record, it was so bad that it was confirmed by my dear friend Tara who said “I love you, but it wasn’t you up there.”

It’s true. It wasn’t, I had disconnected from my heart and everything I planned for the evening escaped me. I got lost in feeling separate.

It’s laughable now, but it did not feel good as it was happening!!! perhaps it had to happen so that I could go on this emotional journey that has led to a big breakthrough.

The entire day leading up sucked actually. A bad mood and energy I couldn’t shake. Even when I walked into this beautiful event, I felt like a real alien.  Like I didn’t belong here- or any where.

Despite having really lovely! pleasant conversations with early arrivers, I just felt like I was not there- running anxious and not present vs. how I like to be which is deeply seated in the present and able to hear, feel, and see things clearly.

the fluctuations of my mind going 1 million miles an hour.

I was hoping by the time I taught yoga, I would settle and shift into my act of service and let go of all the “me me me me me” inner head chatter that had me spinning.

BUT IT DIDN’T. I was in my head a lot of it and stuck.

Fortunately (THANK YOU GD!), we planned that while I put the group into shavasana, local healer Elena box would lead a sound bath while I went around and manually adjusted people (my most favorite thing to do)…

It was here, while Elena played the bowls and sang from her soul, that it shifted for me.

My head stopped spinning, I was rooted in my feet, and as I went around adjusting bodoies, watching their breaths free and nervous systems relax, that I creatied connection . Without words, without even eye contact, the separateness lifted.

that feeling of unambiguous loneliness lifted.

After the yoga and sound bath, I walked around feeling very much FROM and BELONGING TO THIS PLANET.

I hugged people I knew (hi to some of u!!), and met new people…

As I went aorund the event I gave hugs to past metreaters!!, online “followers!!”, local friends I kinda forgot how much I love and jive with, and NEW FRIENDS who felt like people I want to hang out with every single day,i Felt my heart opening back up, truly inspired by every female I got the chance to meet and didn’t want the night to end.

POTENT Medicine. Just like that, ANY REMNANTS OF THAT ambiguous loneliness faded and I felt whole, and free to be me.

Surrounded by women who are just kind I found the connection Ive been craving.

I find my roots with my people… and this was my reminder of the POWER OF FEMALE ENERGY, being of service, and how important it is to open our hearts after a contraction and closure.

Its so easy to get caught up in whats in front of us, to let that inner chatter take over, and narrow our vision- but whats on the horizon is so so so so much bigger.

Sometimes we have to step outside our worlds, our norm, our every day conversation and complaints to free ourselves of the stories we tell ourselves.

The ingredients are always there to mix, but its up to us (okay, me) to put them to use.

I left that event thinking and knowing that I do belong here on earth, and for that, I breathe easier, lighter.

Hit reply or comment on this substack post if you can relate, or want to share some personal insights…

xx ♡, Lili

p.s. December METREAT 2024 details will be coming soon soon soon! If you too are looking for this tribe of like minded people who make you feel safe to be you, be on the look, there will be very limited spaces for this one!